Someone I used to know had a very specific kink. And he had a lot of shame around it. So he never shared it with his girlfriend.

Instead, he cheated, mostly with strangers.

Still, he longed for the safety and consistency of experiencing pleasure with someone he knew. Someone who knew him. But he couldn’t. So he didn’t.

Unfortunately, he’s not the only one. I know a lot of people just like him. Not necessarily cheating. But hiding.

Hidden fantasies.
Secret preferences.
Undercover hunger.

Wanting to share tender parts of yourself with the person you love the most, and realizing that you feel more relaxed getting naked with someone who barely knows your name, is a lot.

Yes, anonymity can be sexy. But not when being nameless is about shame. When the risk isn't’ being caught, but being outed. It’s TOO MUCH.

That’s how it felt for him.

His girlfriend was open-minded AF and enjoyed kinky play herself. They’d met at a play party for goodness’ sake. But none of that mattered. Shame kept him in the shadows.

He’d spent years pretending to be vanilla—years of being easygoing and playing the role. So the thought of suddenly saying, “Hey, there’s this thing I’m really into, and I want to try it with you,” made him want to hurl.

This week on the podcast, I’m talking about the tension of feeling trapped by curated identities. We get into shame, safety, and why it can be hard to let go with the person you love.

​Click here to listen to the full episode​

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